apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
