Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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