She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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