How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize