Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
