i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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