you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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