I got chris browned last night
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
