Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
