So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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