There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
