At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
