I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
