my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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