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I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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