She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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