Walk of Shame. In a state park.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
