how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have feelings that need drinking.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
