i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
