Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
