The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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