so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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