don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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