I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize