So drunk its hurt
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
