I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize