hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize