cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
