You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Farmville is her only friend.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Terrible idea I love it
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
