I just pynch a tree in the face
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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