so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
