Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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