It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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