My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize