I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
