Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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