Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
