Too much gin, very little bucket
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
