he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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