I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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