I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
