I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize