what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
