babies were throwing up all over the place
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
