i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
