I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
