apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize