i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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