I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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