Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
