are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
