whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize