you would pick up someone in the library
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
