fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize