Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize