He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
