so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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