someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
