She is in my trunk
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
