you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
