Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You can't motorboat a personality
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
