woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
