Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So squirting runs in the family.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Pants are for mortals
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