My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
