Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
