I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This baby is an asshole
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
