I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
