girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
