The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
