Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize